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Chapter 1: Understanding the Fawning Response
When it comes to physiological reactions to trauma or threats, the "fight or flight" response usually takes center stage. Another commonly recognized reaction is freezing, or reactive immobility. However, a less frequently discussed response is known as fawning.
Fawning, often referred to as the “please and appease” response, involves prioritizing the needs of others over your own. This behavior is motivated by a desire to de-escalate potential violence, evade conflict, and minimize confrontations.
Indicators of fawning behavior include an excessive reliance on others' opinions, susceptibility to narcissistic abuse, and patterns of codependency.
Chapter 2: The Origins of Fawning Behavior
Individuals displaying fawning tendencies are sometimes unfairly labeled as pushovers or doormats. However, this response often arises from adapting to a tumultuous, conflict-filled, and hypercritical upbringing.
Experiencing abuse from an authority figure during childhood can lead a person to adopt fawning as a survival strategy. If you faced neglect and rejection, you might have learned to be agreeable and helpful to prevent further mistreatment.
In such cases, fawning acts as an attempt to restore a sense of safety that was absent in one's early life. Adults who grew up in unstable environments may struggle to establish boundaries due to a deep-seated fear of retaliation or negative consequences.
Fawning can amplify feelings of guilt and confusion, particularly for those suffering from PTSD, as the instinct becomes to comfort the abuser rather than escape from an unsafe situation. Over time, these coping mechanisms can evolve into a pattern of people-pleasing, where you sacrifice your true self to maintain peace and a sense of security in your surroundings.
The video titled "Fawning: The Most Overlooked Trauma Response" by Luis Mojica delves into this often-neglected topic, providing insights and understanding on how fawning affects individuals and their relationships.
Chapter 3: Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Amy Tran, a clinical psychology doctoral candidate, shares practical strategies to combat people-pleasing behaviors:
- Pause Before Responding: Take your time before answering requests. Use expressions like “let me get back to you” to give yourself space to consider your own needs.
- Identify Your Values: Create a list of your core values and priorities. Evaluate incoming requests against this list to determine whether a decision aligns with your needs or is merely aimed at pleasing others.
- Practice Saying No: Start small by declining minor requests, such as video calls with family or opting for a less expensive meal option. These small victories can help you break the habit of seeking validation from others and reconnect with your authentic self.
Key Message: "I don’t know the secret to success, but I’m pretty sure the closest thing is preparation." — Michelle Kwan