Understanding Intrinsic and Market Value in Romantic Relationships
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Chapter 1: The Basis of Self-Worth
How a man perceives his own value significantly influences his choices in romantic relationships. When I start working with a new client, I first need to determine whether he assesses his worth based on his current life circumstances (market value) or if he is among the few who bases his value on an internal standard, independent of external fluctuations. Essentially, I need to ascertain whether he's caught in a cycle of comparison or if he stands firm in his self-worth. This distinction isn't always clear. Many individuals assert that they don't gauge their worth using conventional success metrics, yet they tirelessly strive to meet constantly shifting external standards. Just because you’ve created an alternative scorecard doesn’t mean you’ve stopped using one. Clinging to market value thinking can be detrimental, ultimately undermining all significant relationships in a man’s life.
Market value is often established from birth. Various cultural and generational influences can shape one's perceived value. I recall the surreal moment of announcing my last pregnancy, a boy, after having two daughters. In the Deep American South, having a son is still regarded as valuable. Moreover, my son is the only male grandchild among seven, which elicited joy from those around us. Observing how his gender affects his perceived value is fascinating; being born male carries both invisible advantages and complications. In some regions, a male birth is even viewed with apprehension. The societal perceptions of men seem increasingly muddled. I've heard many men express a preference for solitude in nature over the company of unfamiliar men, highlighting a deeper confusion regarding male identity.
I wonder if men, possessing an innate sense of market value, are more susceptible to feelings of inadequacy when faced with life's challenges. Bitter narratives from men about divorce often center around the impact on their market value—how their family man image, financial stability, and dating prospects have all suffered. The grief they express is often less about their lost relationships and more about their diminished worth in the eyes of society. Many men feel they lose social standing in their circles post-divorce, reliant on a partner to maintain their connection to social networks. I’ve experienced dating situations where my role felt like a test to see if I could restore a man’s former social status among friends, emphasizing how external validation can overshadow genuine connection.
Women often grow up with a sense of lacking inherent value. A few decades ago, being born female was viewed as a liability, but many of my readers likely felt a more neutral reception at birth. Women frequently internalize the need to earn their worth through beauty, success, or relationships, often feeling they must achieve across multiple domains. However, as time passes, the pressures of maintaining this perceived value can become exhausting, especially when faced with aging or life transitions.
Countless times, I’ve had men comfort me post-divorce with remarks like, “At least you have your children.” While I cherish my relationship with my kids, I don’t equate motherhood with my worth as a woman. Some women assume that my contentment in aging stems from being a mother, a notion I find perplexing, given the struggles many mothers face. Children do not guarantee happiness or worth; rather, it is my personal growth and self-understanding that enrich my experiences.
As societal values shift, the worth of older women remains contentious. In film, older women typically occupy secondary roles, while older men often gain renewed appeal. Yet, for women, reaching a certain age can liberate them from the pressures of societal evaluation. In cultures where women start with low perceived value, this liberation may come more naturally. To maintain a sense of lightness in life, women need to redefine their self-worth, detaching it from romantic ties, physical appearance, career, or motherhood. Women who cultivate this intrinsic value often remain captivating as they age, developing their own definitions of success.
Market value thinking is a trap that men must also escape. This mindset equates worth with fluctuating evaluations, creating a precarious sense of self. To sustain market value, one must constantly adapt and trade-off. Consider a company designed solely for profit versus a family-run vineyard passed down through generations—one is inherently valuable beyond its immediate performance. When seeking a romantic partner, it is wise to aim for someone with depth and history rather than superficial traits.
Market value thinking can manifest in various ways—not just in the archetype of a high-flying CEO consumed by success. Often, it appears as the man who becomes overwhelmed by failure, retreating into shame rather than reframing setbacks as growth opportunities. Instead of viewing life through the lens of market value, men should seek partners who appreciate them for their genuine selves, beyond societal accolades.
When women inquire about what to look for in a partner, I advise them to find men who define success on their own terms and who are not ashamed of their lives. Whether it’s a hardworking plumber or a military friend, true worth lies in authenticity rather than external validation. Choosing partners based on their current market value can lead to disappointment, much like investing in a property that depreciates unexpectedly.
For men who remain entrenched in market value thinking, even the best relationships can be challenging. They may oscillate between their feelings and how they believe their partner will be perceived by others. This disorientation complicates emotional intimacy. Brene Brown describes these moments of vulnerability as "F*cking First Times," where the lack of established metrics can be daunting. Facing a partner who genuinely sees you can be overwhelming, often revealing past avoidance and immaturity.
If your self-worth hinges on winning or losing, it becomes nearly impossible to forge a deep connection with someone who isn’t invested in your status. We tend to partner with those who reflect our own self-worth. Relationships function as a dance; when one partner seeks validation from the other, the connection falters. You might find yourself drawn to women who view relationships as a means to enhance their own value.
Dear men, your identity extends far beyond your professional title or relationship status. By redefining your life based on intrinsic values rather than external validation, you may discover greater fulfillment. It’s comforting to be with someone who appreciates your achievements while also valuing you for who you are without the accolades.
Need assistance? Feel free to reach out at www.christinalanecoaching.com