Empower Intimacy: How a Single Word Shift Can Transform Relationships
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Chapter 1: The Impact of Questioning in Relationships
In intimate relationships, we often find ourselves asking "WHY" even though we recognize that the answers may not be satisfactory.
By Dr. T.J. Jordan
“WHY did you cheat?” How often do we receive a satisfactory answer to this pressing question? In the context of intimacy, our inquiries can serve dual purposes: to foster understanding or to address conflicts. While insightful questions can lead to deeper connections, "WHY" often transforms our inquiries into an interrogation.
When we pose "WHY" questions, we compel our partners to justify their actions or feelings. These questions typically seek to uncover the underlying causes and effects of situations. However, even the most introspective individuals struggle to pinpoint the reasons behind their behaviors. Our actions are influenced by a myriad of biological and environmental factors, many of which lie beyond our comprehension. Yet, we continuously ask "WHY," often in an attempt to attribute blame or responsibility for our discomfort.
Interestingly, we seldom pose "WHY" questions about positive experiences. Asking "WHY do you love me?" is a rhetorical exercise, while "WHY did you do that?" usually invites criticism, regardless of our intentions.
WHAT vs. WHY: A Shift in Perspective
To cultivate a better understanding of ourselves and our partners, we should reconsider the type of questions we ask. "WHY" questions can lead us into a labyrinth of speculation, often filled with unproductive thoughts. In contrast, "WHAT" questions keep our inquiries grounded and focused on tangible details rather than judgments. By reframing our questions, we can communicate in a less accusatory manner.
The neurological response to "WHY" questions often triggers cognitive reasoning rather than emotional processing. From a young age, we learn that asking "WHY" typically follows wrongdoing, while achievements rarely elicit the same inquiry. This conditioning leads us to anticipate confrontation, making us defensive and less open to constructive dialogue.
Many times, we lack a clear understanding of our own motives and feel pressured to justify our actions. For instance, we may react to a friend's aggression without fully comprehending our reasons. When confronted with "WHY," we might scramble to provide an answer that minimizes our guilt.
Conversely, "WHAT" questions are perceived as more neutral and empowering. They encourage exploration of our experiences and foster a greater understanding without the weight of judgment.
Examples of Effective Questioning
Consider the contrasting emotional undertones in these pairs of questions:
- WHY do you feel unwell? (If we had a definitive answer, we'd be as successful as Elon Musk.)
- WHAT sensations are you experiencing when you say you feel unwell? (This might elicit a detailed description of symptoms.)
- WHY didn’t you reach climax? (An unanswerable quandary…)
- WHAT factors prevented you from climaxing? (Responses might include distractions, emotional preoccupations, or stress.)
- WHY did you have an affair? (This often feels like a blame game.)
- WHAT circumstances led to your decision to have an affair? (While painful, this approach may yield insights that could be beneficial.)
The Conclusion
While "WHY" questions hold value in various fields like science and education, in intimate relationships, they often lead to conflict and misunderstanding. We have become accustomed to being questioned about our missteps rather than our successes.
The brain's processing of "WHY" and "WHAT" diverges significantly. The former leads us on abstract mental chases that rarely contribute to the improvement of our relationships, while the latter roots our inquiries in real experiences. By opting for "WHAT," we can gather more effective insights to address future issues.
Nurturing intimacy is a formidable challenge in modern relationships. By simply altering one word in our questioning, we can significantly enhance our connections without jeopardizing anything.
(I am a clinical psychologist in private practice. You can reach out to me directly on Medium or inquire about my practice details.)
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