Chapter 1: The Reality of Aging

In the year 2021, while watching TV with Marge, a commercial for a miraculous anti-aging cream interrupted our program. Marge quickly muted the sound, prompting me to share my thoughts: “I know several people who have undergone cosmetic surgery,” I mentioned, noting that my daughter, who had just crossed the 50 mark, revealed many of her peers began getting Botox in their 40s.

“I refuse to do that,” I asserted, listing my two main reasons: to advocate for embracing natural aging and because if I underwent surgery and disliked the outcome, I would have to face my reflection for the rest of my life, holding only myself accountable.

Marge, who is a sprightly 103 and still exudes beauty, understands my perspective. She prioritizes her health wisely: “I take better care of my feet than my face because I rely on them more.”

Although I am 25 years younger than her, I find myself less concerned about my appearance. Yes, I still attract some attention, but societal norms often favor youth. Unfortunately, our culture tends to judge individuals based on their looks.

Research has shown that attractive people are often perceived as more competent, powerful, and healthy—this phenomenon is referred to as the "attractiveness halo." It’s ingrained in our genetics and perpetuated by a media landscape obsessed with youth.

While I strive to maintain a natural appearance, I’ve had my share of alterations. After college, I had caps placed on my teeth due to a jaw issue, and I previously wore contacts to avoid feeling unattractive in my thick glasses. I’ve always used makeup to enhance my looks, and I now choose to dye my hair to hide the grey.

I do not criticize other women for wanting to look youthful or for seeking cosmetic enhancements; rather, I dislike the societal pressure that suggests we must adhere to these standards. This is the impact of "the beauty myth." How can anyone measure up to the heavily edited images that bombard us?

Marge, who remains active and engaged, prefers to discuss topics like finances and politics over ageism. She appreciates life and, as an astute and well-read woman, dismisses the concept of miracle creams and Botox, or any surgical procedures aimed at preserving youth.

With her characteristic wit, she succinctly states, “Why don’t people understand that the only true way to stay young is to die young?”

As we converse in her den in 2021, I find it difficult to envision a way to combat the pervasive ageist culture that surrounds us. Often, we are unaware of our own biases. For over a decade, my friends tried to dissuade me from referring to my much older companions, whom I’ve cherished since my mid-40s, as “my old ladies.”

“That’s disrespectful!” they argued.

But I countered, “What else would they be?” Most of them didn’t mind the label. When you reach your 90s or 100s, you’re fully aware of your age.

However, the issue isn't merely the terminology; it’s the arbitrary distinction between youth and old age and the belief that once you enter the realm of being “old,” your appearance is judged differently.

This bias is deeply ingrained and affects everyone. If you doubt this, consider the insights of New York Times columnist Jessica Grose on the impact of gendered ageism on women in the workplace.

Opinion | The Hour Between Babe and Hag (Published 2023)

Women receive only about a decade to be taken seriously in their careers.

www.nytimes.com

But there is a silver lining. Jessica, in her 40s, and many younger women are becoming increasingly aware of ageism, a realization that only dawned on me when I reached my 60s and became a victim of it myself.

I also find comfort in the writings and social media presence of supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Her 2022 book, No Filter: The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful, pulls back the curtain on the Cosmetic Industrial Complex, exposing the endless stream of products and services that claim to offer eternal youth. Intelligent and genuine, Paulina’s message resonates with many, reminding us that it’s okay to not fit the mold of perfection.

Her candid, unfiltered social media presence aims to ease the burdens of those who feel pressured to look flawless. It’s significant when celebrities embrace their age, showing off their wrinkles and grey hair or sharing makeup-free photos. This sends a powerful message: “I’m being authentic. You can be yourself too.”

Nonetheless, there’s still much work to be done. In response to a proposal I pitched about my old friends in 2023, one editor complimented my work but concluded, “We already have a book on aging.” Just one book.

Recently, a publicist trying to pitch a major TV show was told that the executives were uninterested in another project celebrating aging gracefully because they had just featured a similar author.

As we conclude Pride Month, I can’t help but see parallels between various forms of prejudice and the insidious nature of ageism—discrimination based on how long one has lived—which often goes unnoticed. Would media executives ever reject a project because they just covered a story featuring someone from the African-American community, the LGBTQ+ community, or women?

Probably not. An educated and open-minded person understands in 2024 that countless narratives exist within each category we’ve constructed, and diverse protagonists can tell these stories. Yet, the one group that remains largely overlooked is the elderly.

How ironic is it that while only some of us belong to specific categories like race or sexual orientation, eventually, every one of us—if fortunate—will reach the age of 65 and become categorized as old, making us vulnerable to exclusion and invisibility.

So, here’s to Paulina and others who proudly embrace their age. Here’s to me, who joyfully announced my 80th birthday to anyone willing to listen! Marge would undoubtedly commend us.

Melinda Blau is an award-winning journalist, a regular contributor to Medium, and the author of 16 books, including The Wisdom Whisperers: Golden Guides to a Long Life of Grit, Grace, and Laughter, featuring Marge and her other “old ladies.” The book is set to release on August 6, 2024, and is currently available for presale on Amazon.

The first video titled "Heaven | Part 1 | The Truth About Eternal Life" featuring Phil Valdez explores profound insights regarding eternal life and the misconceptions surrounding it.

The second video, "Eternal Youth Declarations from the Bible," discusses themes of youthfulness as presented in Milton Goh's book, "Younger and Younger," offering a unique perspective on age and vitality.

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