Chapter 1: A Shift in Perspective

Have you ever found yourself letting uncontrollable aspects of life dictate your identity?

Credit: Matheus Ferrero, Unsplash

The Catalyst for Change

About a year back, I received a distressing message from the wife of a dear friend. She reached out, expressing her concerns:

“…I know you have a lot going on, but I really need your help. It’s (name withheld), he’s in a dark place… He feels worthless and lacks the desire to live. He’s lost all confidence and has changed so much. He sees others thriving while he feels like a disappointment.”

Reading those words left me in shock. We had shared countless joyous moments in the past, and he was someone I admired for his zest for life.

Determined to support him, I quickly arranged a flight across the country to understand what had led him to such despair.

From my perspective, he seemed to have it all: a happy marriage of over twenty years, five wonderful children, a fulfilling career as an attorney, and the achievement of his dream to run his own practice.

We chose a peaceful beach town for our reunion, hoping he could escape his pressures and regain clarity.

However, when we met, he was a shadow of the vibrant person I once knew. The spark in his eyes had faded; he appeared worn down by life’s burdens.

As we caught up, his ongoing pain and disappointment continuously pointed back to one issue—his job. He had become so fixated on achieving success as a wealthy lawyer that he overlooked the many other accomplishments in his life.

The more we talked, the more I realized he had fallen into a mental trap of his own making. He had a specific image of who he believed he should be, and his inability to live up to that led him to despair.

Defining Ourselves

He had allowed his identity as a successful attorney to overshadow everything else.

Many facets contribute to who we are, such as being humorous, athletic, creative, a dependable friend, or a nurturing parent. Yet, while others may define us in various ways, the critical question is: how do we define ourselves?

It’s easy to recognize the harm caused by negative stereotypes directed at others, yet we often judge ourselves far more harshly, focusing on our perceived flaws.

This was true for my friend. He was excessively critical of himself. During our time together, he began to realize the immense pressure he placed on himself, particularly regarding circumstances beyond his control.

Embracing Positivity and Learning from Struggles

I encouraged him to list the positive traits that had helped him succeed in different areas of his life and to reflect on what he could improve in terms of his shortcomings. For aspects he couldn’t control, it was vital for him to accept those limitations.

Of course, my friend had deeper issues I couldn’t address. Mental health challenges are serious, and I urged him to seek professional help to navigate his depression and anxiety.

Nonetheless, this encounter also prompted me to reflect on my own identity. I followed the same steps I suggested to him—acknowledging my strengths, identifying areas for growth, and learning to release what I cannot influence.

This process has already led to meaningful changes in my life, allowing me to see myself in a more positive light.

If you haven’t done so already, I highly recommend this exercise. Discover what truly defines you and focus on the positive aspects that have contributed to your achievements.

You may find that you are an extraordinary individual.

Insights from What Defines You?

This video explores the complex question of identity and how we let external circumstances shape who we believe we are.

What Defines You Is You

In this TEDx talk, Olivia Eichler discusses the importance of self-identity and the factors that truly define us beyond societal labels.