Saying No: Three Life-Changing Decisions That Shaped My Path
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Chapter 1: The Power of No
Mastering the art of saying no is an essential skill that everyone should cultivate. Often, we find ourselves under pressure to satisfy others, uphold certain images, or meet our own expectations. Understanding when to say no is crucial for achieving both career and personal success.
A few weeks back, I shared a narrative detailing how I agreed to two trivial requests at SIU's Union School. This led to a significant opportunity on a lucrative ship. My story highlighted how saying yes can open doors, but the feedback I received emphasized the importance of recognizing when to decline.
A heartfelt thank you goes to James Bellerjeau and Mary Ingram for their valuable insights.
While accepting benign opportunities from those who might influence your life can be beneficial, it is equally vital to discern when to say "no." Here are three instances where my refusals profoundly impacted my life:
Section 1.1: The First Life-Changing No
The first "no" was related to my initial story on Medium, titled "A Blue Day at Stone Barn." If you choose to read it, be prepared for a lengthy journal entry about my working interview at the esteemed Blue Hill at Stone Barn. It's a long read, which might explain its limited audience, but it serves as a reminder of my growth as a writer.
In essence, I went to Blue Hill at Stone Barn for a "Stage," a French term for unpaid internship. I toiled for 14 hours, faced harsh treatment from several chefs, and was belittled by Dan Barber himself, only to be presented with an "opportunity" to work there for an entire month.
Blue Hill at Stone Barn is renowned globally, featured in the first season of Chef's Table on Netflix, and epitomizes the Farm to Table movement. My passion for cooking had brought me to this pinnacle, yet I couldn't shake the realization of the industry's flaws: meager wages, poor work-life balance, prevalent substance abuse, and a culture of abuse.
After 15 years in restaurants and completing a prestigious culinary education funded by grants, scholarships, and countless sleepless nights, I recognized that the outcome was often disheartening—individuals caught in a cycle of ego and dysfunction.
Even owning a restaurant presents challenges; costs rise while customers resist higher prices, and labor needs to stay below poverty levels to maintain viability. If you can't pay a living wage, your business is destined to fail. This holds true for corporations like Walmart and Amazon as well.
Standing at the iconic restaurant of sustainability, all I could see was the exploitation of free labor. Accepting the internship was a tough choice, but I ultimately said, "No."
Subsection 1.1.1: The Second Tempting No
The second refusal came shortly after and was far more challenging. During my job search, one opportunity remains a haunting "what if?"
As a child, I loved reruns of "Wings" on Nick at Nite and was captivated by airplanes. Fast forward 20 years, and I found myself on a ferry to Nantucket with just a knife set and a change of clothes.
The beauty of Nantucket Harbor was breathtaking, with its historical homes and timeless charm. Upon arrival, I was welcomed by a kind restaurateur who guided me to Fog Island Cafe, a place run by a fellow CIA alumnus known for his generosity.
After a pleasant jog to the ocean, I stumbled upon the Nantucket airport, reminiscent of my childhood memories. The work environment was relaxed, the chef treated me with respect, and I was offered a well-paying position with great benefits and free housing.
However, I felt a pull toward a different path. I had been contemplating joining the seafarers' union, torn between the allure of restaurant life and the call of the sea. Had I taken that job, I wouldn't have met my wife in Saipan a year later. When I expressed my doubts about the position, the owner sweetened the deal, offering me land to start my own farm-to-table venture. Ultimately, I said, "No."
Section 1.2: The Most Crucial No
The most significant "no" of my life came during a crossroads moment. In October 2018, I met my future wife in Saipan. Eager to explore together, we made plans to meet in Hong Kong after my work stint.
Our initial days together were rocky, given our cultural differences. Tensions escalated at a ferry pier in Hong Kong, leading us to consider parting ways. Yet, instead of separating, we held hands and boarded the ferry together, allowing us to enjoy a beautiful day afterward.
Had we agreed to split, our lives would have taken entirely different trajectories. Saying "No" to separation, despite believing it was the best choice, significantly altered my life.
Chapter 2: Reflection on Life's Choices
These three critical moments of saying no, despite their temptations, have shaped my life profoundly. I look at my wife and son and am grateful for the decisions I made at pivotal times that led me to where I am today.
What I'm Reading
Mary Ingram's engaging story explores the significance of patterns and their effects on our lives. You can read it here. Additionally, James Bellerjeau provides a compelling look at why success often hinges on the ability to say no.