Chapter 1: Understanding My Father's Past

My father was not an evil person; however, he struggled to express affection. Lacking love in his own childhood—abandoned by his mother at a young age—he carried a profound emotional scar into adulthood. When he transitioned from childhood to adolescence, his father was unable to care for him. This cycle of trauma often transmits through generations, resulting in a household devoid of hugs, bedtime stories, or supportive affirmations.

Despite this, I was not an unhappy child. I found solace in my own imagination, enveloped in books, paper dolls, and an erector set. At that time, I was unaware that I was perhaps subconsciously escaping the harshness of his tone.

His loud and insistent manner of speaking was likely a byproduct of his years spent in a machine shop, surrounded by the deafening sounds of machinery. Occasionally, he would threaten me with his belt—a tactic he had used on my older brothers—but he never followed through with it against me. His threats may have lingered in my mind for a day, yet it was the sharpness of his voice that made me want to flee.

At 18, I left for college, with support from my professor brothers who helped me navigate financial aid and employment opportunities. Though I lived only 16 miles away from my parents, I might as well have been on another continent. Visits were brief and infrequent, limited to holidays and celebrations.

My mother passed away in her early sixties, shortly after I started my first job post-college. Understandably, my father fell into deep sorrow; despite his inability to show affection towards me, he had loved my mother dearly. Thankfully, my younger sister was still at home to provide him comfort until her marriage several years later.

Over time, my father became a "golden bachelor," attracting attention from women who enjoyed his company. He traveled and explored, which alleviated some of my guilt for maintaining my distance over the years.

After my sister's marriage, my father relocated to an apartment complex for seniors, later moving into assisted living to be near his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she developed dementia and had to move to a memory care facility.

In the midst of this change, my father began reaching out to me, perhaps sensing the fragility of life. I too started to call him more, but these conversations often filled me with dread due to the remnants of our past.

Section 1.1: A Life-Changing Call

During a meditation retreat, I received the news that my father had been hospitalized due to a gallbladder issue, and during surgery, doctors discovered cancer in his liver. Although the prognosis was not terminal, I felt an overwhelming urge to be by his side, leading me back to California.

I felt strongly that no one should face death alone, and with a supportive partner and no job commitments, I decided to be with my father until the end.

Subsection 1.1.1: The Nursing Home Experience

My father was transferred to a nursing home for rehabilitation after a fall. It was neither the worst nor the best of places, but it was adequate. Situated near the nursing station, my father seemed unbothered by the hustle and bustle around him.

Our reconciliation did not occur through lengthy discussions or deep confessions. Instead, it blossomed through simple, shared moments over time.

I accommodated his whims, responding to his playful requests for a Coke, giving him massages, and ensuring he received haircuts. We debated whether he should contact his former partner in her care facility.

At one point, he remarked, “You surprise me,” acknowledging the change in our dynamic. I began to see his previously unnoticed qualities, as he expressed his keen observations about life, showcasing his charm in interactions with caregivers.

Chapter 2: Embracing the Universe's Wisdom

The first video, "Reconciling With My Dad," explores the emotional journey of reconciling with a parent, emphasizing the importance of presence in healing relationships.

The second video, "How to Reconnect with Your Estranged Father," offers practical advice and insights on how to mend and strengthen familial bonds.

In conclusion, the universe has a mysterious way of guiding us toward the right path. Embrace its pull, regardless of past grievances, for it possesses wisdom far beyond our mental conflicts. For more insights, consider signing up for my bi-monthly Wild Arisings newsletter, where you can access free self-discovery resources.

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