Chapter 1: The Profitability of Bigotry

In an unexpected twist, Planet Fitness has found a way to capitalize on controversy, particularly from the group Libs of TikTok (LoTT). This organization has reportedly sent a staggering 17 bomb threats to the gym chain, showcasing an escalation of hostility that makes even the Westboro Baptist Church appear mild by comparison.

LoTT has criticized Planet Fitness for its decision to ban a cisgender woman who filmed a transgender woman in a designated female shower. The gym's stance was clear: sharing videos of individuals without their consent is illegal and qualifies as revenge porn. In their social media activities, LoTT inadvertently shared content that could be deemed inappropriate for younger audiences, raising questions about their claims of protecting children from "grooming."

We reached out to Craig Benson, the CEO of Planet Fitness, for insight into their approach.

"We're not your typical gym," Benson explained. "While other gyms focus on competitive lifters, we cater to those who are new to fitness or just looking to fulfill a New Year’s resolution. Interestingly, about half of our members don’t even visit our locations! They’re essentially paying $15 a month to brag to their friends, which ironically opens up more space for us to attract casual users. We're like the discount store of gyms: low prices lead to high traffic.

"Do you think our members will wise up and cancel? Most of them lack the confidence to confront us about their memberships! Many can't even find the courage to stand up for themselves.

"That’s why we go out of our way to discourage serious fitness. We ask people to leave if they sweat too much, serve pizza for treadmill users, hire trainers who lack expertise, and installed loud alarms to eject anyone who makes too much noise or drops weights. Our philosophy is simple: no pain, more gain!

"In March 2015, we introduced the 'Judgment-Free Zone' to allow trans women access to women’s locker rooms. If that makes cisgender women uncomfortable, even better! It clears the gym for those who are less inclined to engage in actual fitness."

Benson then paused for a moment.

"Fast forward nine years, and here comes Chaya Raichik, founder of LoTT, launching a misguided campaign against our inclusive policies. It’s tragic! She doesn’t have the looks to be a B-list actress, nor the skills to succeed in real estate. Yet, she’s savvy enough to observe others, like Lauren Boebert and Ann Coulter, turning hate speech into a career. It’s no wonder she promotes violence on social media; it rallies her supporters around her failures.

"Raichik’s activism is as credible as a crypto enthusiast giving financial advice—both are just riding waves of current trends without any real substance. If she truly cared about protecting children from predatory behavior, she would advise against using TikTok, which has been labeled a hunting ground for predators. Even Josh Hawley has received backlash for his association with the platform."

Benson grinned, revealing his perspective on the situation.

"All these threats from her followers are ironically driving away our existing members, which opens up more room for new sign-ups, making us even more profitable! Thanks, Raichik! You’ve unwittingly helped us out.

"We're now introducing a special membership for LoTT supporters. For just $20 a month, they can enjoy one bomb threat per year. If they opt for $50 a month, that increases to six threats! And for $100 a month, they can get one bomb threat every month!

"They issue their threats, and we won’t involve the authorities. It’s a win-win!"

Benson's unconventional strategy has captured the attention of Wall Street, with stock traders eager to invest in Planet Fitness after being priced out of Boeing shares.

All characters and events in this piece are entirely fictional, crafted for satirical purposes.

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