Navigating Self-Perception: Understanding Emotional Backpacks
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Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Dependencies
What should you do if you feel neglected by those around you?
Anya reached out for assistance due to her overwhelming reliance on others' evaluations. When she receives feedback, everything feels fine, but a sudden drop in attention from others triggers significant anxiety.
Interestingly, Anya has a knack for spotting flaws in those around her, often criticizing them, whether openly or internally. Based on socionics, she embodies the traits of a "pure" Balzac—an intuitive and logical introvert who excels at recognizing others' shortcomings. This alignment of upbringing and her inherent psychological type led to the formation of her first emotional "backpack."
Section 1.1: The Concept of the First Backpack
What does this first backpack represent? During our sessions in emotional-imaginative therapy, we crafted a metaphor: to achieve calmness, Anya gathers signs of attention from those around her, storing them in her first backpack. In our explorations, it became evident that young Anya craved attention from her mother.
When her mother engaged with her, everything felt right. Conversely, a lack of attention sparked deep fears—“Mom doesn’t care about me!” This aligns with transactional analysis, which discusses 'stroking'—the positive and negative affirmations we receive.
Positive strokes, such as praise and affection, are crucial for healthy psychological development. Meanwhile, negative strokes—like criticism and harsh words—are also impactful. However, the absence of any strokes is particularly devastating for a child, manifesting as the painful sentiment of being unwanted.
In Anya’s case, her mother primarily offered negative strokes through consistent criticism. Transactional analysis suggests that even negative strokes are preferable to none; yet, if one is predominantly met with negativity, their self-identity becomes compromised, often leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Challenge of Letting Go
During our sessions, I asked Anya if she could relinquish the backpack filled with negative strokes. Unsurprisingly, she struggled with this notion, revealing her deep attachment to this identity reinforcement.
“What if we introduce a second backpack for positive strokes?” I proposed.
It’s worth noting that even as an adult, Anya primarily collects negative strokes. You might wonder if the people around her fail to provide positive feedback. Indeed, they do, but she lacks the capacity to accept and store it.
To address this, Anya added a second backpack, allowing her to collect positive affirmations. When I inquired if she could now discard the negative strokes backpack, her response was a firm, “Nope, let it stay...))”
This was a significant realization. We agreed to allow space for positive strokes while consciously categorizing them—positive versus negative—into their respective backpacks.
Section 1.2: Building a Positive Self-Image
We also worked on enhancing her self-esteem and self-acceptance. It's important to recognize that a narcissistic complex often complicates interactions with the outside world, especially for those raised by critical, high-expectation parents.
Ultimately, we settled on the imagery of the two backpacks.
What were the results of our work?
- Anya's anxiety levels diminished even in prolonged periods of minimal external feedback from acquaintances and colleagues.
- We developed strategies for nurturing social connections, ensuring she received more positive strokes without overwhelming her introverted nature.
- Anya began to acknowledge and appreciate the positive strokes she received, leading to improved self-esteem.
In my view, self-esteem is a critical focus in psychological work. It directly influences one's worldview, happiness, well-being, confidence, success, and even health!
Chapter 2: Strategies for Nurturing Self-Esteem
The first video titled "How to Declutter When You Have ADHD and Are Drowning in Stuff" offers insights into managing emotional clutter and improving mental clarity.
The second video, "Local mom fills bags with goodies for children in foster care," highlights the importance of community support and nurturing connections, which can also aid in fostering self-esteem and emotional well-being.