What is the Relationship Escalator?

The traditional relationship model is straightforward: meet someone you like, get to know them, enter a monogamous relationship, move in together, get married, and eventually have children. This sequence is often presented as the expected path.

However, we aren't taught to consider if we are genuinely "ready" for each step. Instead, we are conditioned to follow the timeline—after a set period, we progress to the next stage. It can feel like stepping onto an escalator; once you're on, you're expected to keep moving up.

While these milestones can be fulfilling for many, the pressure to conform to this rigid structure can be problematic. What if the escalator doesn't serve your needs? What if we explored alternative ways to engage in long-term relationships?

Assessing Your Position on the Escalator

Recent research by Shane Co. indicates that the average American couple dates for just over 2.5 years before getting engaged. However, this journey toward engagement often comes with external pressures. Among those surveyed, approximately 36% reported feeling pressure from family, 42% from society, and 43% from their partner.

To determine if you're merely following the escalator out of obligation rather than genuine desire, consider asking yourself the following questions:

• What motivates your desire to get married?
• Why do you think your partner wants to marry?
• What significance does marriage hold for you?
• Do you judge couples who choose not to marry?
• Reflect on the marriages around you. Are they positive or negative examples?

If your answers stem from a reflective mindset free of external influences, you may not be on the escalator, regardless of your relationship style. Conversely, if your responses indicate a sense of obligation, you might be following the traditional path without questioning it.

It's essential to clarify that there is nothing inherently wrong with monogamy, marriage, or having children. These are beautiful life choices, provided they are genuinely what you desire. However, if you haven’t taken the time to reflect on what relationship model suits you, it’s time for that introspection.

Exploring Alternative Relationship Styles

The predominant narrative we receive as children is that of traditional monogamy culminating in marriage. The "happily ever after" stories typically depict couples achieving conventional milestones, leaving little room for diverse relationship frameworks.

Not every individual finds fulfillment in the traditional model. Here are some valid examples of non-escalator relationships:

• A loving couple who chooses not to marry or have children, opting instead for a life together that may or may not include cohabitation. They might be deeply committed without following a conventional path, potentially enjoying decades together.
• A married couple who, after starting a family, realize that their relationship structure no longer fits. They may explore non-monogamous arrangements, allowing them to love others while maintaining their bond, either with or without their partners being involved in their family life.
• A couple that discovers a mismatch in sexual compatibility after marriage. They might decide to seek outside relationships, all while communicating openly and maintaining their love for one another.
• Two individuals who initially desire marriage and children but find that they aren't compatible for that life together. Instead, they practice non-monogamy, remaining committed while acknowledging they won’t pursue traditional milestones in their partnership.

These scenarios, while they might seem unconventional, are entirely possible with clear communication and mutual understanding.

You have the liberty to date for as long as you wish before marrying, to cohabit only after marriage, or even to choose a life of solitude while nurturing loving relationships. The key is to construct relationships that align with your values, regardless of societal expectations.

There is no singular way to experience love and partnership. If you've explored various relationship models and determined that a traditional structure suits you best, that’s fantastic. If the conventional dating-to-marriage path feels misaligned with your desires, that's perfectly acceptable too. Whatever your ideal relationship structure may be, there are others out there who share your vision.

This video discusses the nuances of wanting the relationship escalator while exploring personal desires and societal expectations.

In this video, Amy Gahran explains the concept of the relationship escalator and its implications for modern relationships.